CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE AND ME

It's been a while since I have written anything, I guess I have been circling the drain for a while now.. I am, well have been depressed for a long while now but I am coping. So today I want to talk about Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA for short). Honestly we live in a fucked up society where men and women prey on the innocence of our children. There is no age limit, these monster groom, threaten, coerce and/or force these children to perform sex acts on or with them. No child is safe because these monster can be anyone- a friend, a family member, a teacher, a pastor, a police office and the god damn list is endless. Some pretend that they care for the child, they give them gifts or take them out, they make that child feels special, loved and when he or she is comfortable with the perp that's when they strike. Others just force and frighten the child into giving in. God it makes me sick the depths of degradation and filth this world has sunk to. I have grown tired of the 'sweep it under the rug ' mentality that society has. I think it's about time we talk about it because it happens, and it can happen to anyone's child. It's about time that society stop blaming the victims/survivors of this ordeal and stop pretending only strangers do these things because we all are monsters. There is no limit on the monstrosities that we has human beings aster capable of.
Often times victims goes through life with this secret buried deep inside them, it destroys families, it destroys lives. It's time we let go of our secrets because the price of keeping them is often times our souls..
There is no textbook reaction to this abuse, some victims break down while some live full lives. As individuals we all are different we things affect each of us differently.

Speaking from experience, it can be a confusing thing. I was so young when it started, I don't remember the first time, if it hurt or not, where or when- I remember who though it's not like I could ever forget him. I was six I think, it continued for a long while. By the time I became self aware i was beginning to enjoy it and disassociate from it at the same time. I mean I hated what was being done, I hated it, I knew it was wrong, I knew at my age this shouldn't be happening and the person doing it shouldn't be doing it also, but most of all I hate the way it made me feel, I hate the tingling toe curling sensation and I hate that I liked that, not the act but the sensation, it became a drug to me. I had all these feelings inside, the hate, the confusion, the euphoric sensation, the shame, the guilt , the self hatred and the disgust. There was nobody to tell, yes my mom was there but how do I tell her that ? How do I tell her that her son was doing this to me, my brother, how do it tell her that, without getting my brother in trouble without breaking my family apart, I didn't know how so I didn't tell. It continued for nine years, nine years of my life, of my childhood wasted away, I called to protect my sister from it, I didn't really care at first as long as it wasn't me anymore, as long as I could get a full nights sleep without worrying that I'll wait up to find him on top if me, inside of me. I failed her, I couldn't stop it I couldn't protect her from what was happening. I stepped in when the damage as already done. I began to offer myself to spare her from it but the damage was already done.  It stopped when I was fifteen,  I have been asked why didn't I fight back at that age, and often times I am myself the same thing, oh God why didn't I fight back why did I let it continue after I talked it was wrong and was old enough to stop it or to do something about it, I have asked this question a hundred times.  I don't know if you can understand and sometimes even I cannot. this was what I was thought growing up SEX, from the age of six, to please to submit, to give in to be passive, and the fact that this was my brother compounded the problem, I loved him ( as a brother), I didn't want to get him in trouble not did I wanted to break my family apart. so I learnt to suffer in silence to some my problems on my own and I compartmentalised it, I didn't let it affect my school work. Apart of me believe that this is what you do, that this is some special way you show love (and it is, but not that kind of love and not that way). Also part of me became addicted to that tingling sensation and I was so confused. So it happened for years till I was fifteen, and it needed up my while life.

Firstly, no child is spared from this, no gender, race, class, religious belief or age is spared. Boys and girls have been sexually abused. It confuses them, cause low self esteem in some cases, it causes them to feel guilty and ashamed for something that they had no control over. Often times they far the consequences of telling for whatever reason (fear of not being believed, of being blamed, of breaking up the family,  of being treated differently etc). These children often suffers in silence and sometimes even when confronted about the ordeal (if suspected by an adult) denies that it is happening. Children are easily manipulated and fears can cause them to do or say anything. I said nothing, I feared not being believed, I feared being blamed. I was just so fucking afraid. CSA leaves us hollow and often times thwarts our understanding of sex and love. Instead of this developing and understanding these things overtime like regular kids gets to do we are forced into the adult world with very little knowledge and experience and often times our first sexual encounters are with these monsters.

It is hard, the pain, the hollowness, the betrayal , the shame and the guilt. I am still screwed up but after all I have been through I am still alive. Thank God.

If you have a friend or lived one who was abused as child whether make our female- support them, let them know they are not alone, doing judged them. Don't sweep it under the rug, speak out.

 Perpetrators feed off our silence, they thrive in the darkness of our secrets. It time we let those secrets go and open the flood gates for truth to come out.